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Randomness from a 2005 graduate of The Moritz College of Law at The Ohio State University

 

Sunday, December 28, 2003

I am the most ungrateful, hateful, evil person ever, but I can't help it. (Although a few glasses of wine helps me a little) I cannot take my family any longer, and it has only been a few days. Friday I left Columbus with my sister to drive to Wichita. That was a very long 13 hour drive. We made it in 13 hours partially because I allowed her to drive for a few hours and the girl has no sense. I do not believe a honda civic is meant to go 90 mph. That's all I have to say. Just that part of the trip was trying. She and I have virtually nothing in common. She is 5 years younger and barely a functional person. She is actually doing really well right now - had held a job for a year and a half, is going to go back to school supposedly next fall - but she is still so different from me that it is hard for us to relate. Anyway, the trip just felt really, really long. And then we got here. I did not drive all this way to sit in a hotel room. We used to stay with my stepmom's parents, but now that her mother has died, and her father lives in a retirement home, we stay in a hotel. That's fine, but it means the downtime is excruciatingly boring, and no different from sitting at home in Columbus, except that I am forced to be in close proximity to my sister. Overall, it has been good, mostly because it is nice to see the family that live out here, but I can't believe I have to wait another day and a half to leave. It feels like an eternity.

What has gotten to me the most is how my sister reacts when people ask me about law school. She works at a preschool for special needs children, and really enjoys what she does. Everyone in the family asks her about it, and is very proud that she is sticking with anything. No one puts down what she is doing in any way at all. However, the second they ask me how law school is and I say that it's fine, she jumps in, and says, "But I help people!" She has said this numerous times since we've been here, and it makes me want to slap her or something. It is very clear when she says it that she is just insecure, but I wish she would just shut up. No one is trying to say that what I am doing is any better than what she is doing; they are just being polite and they are curious. Plus it makes me mad because I actually still believe I have the ability to help people, possibly even in a profound way. I believe that the job I am going to start in January is something that really matters and can change people's lives. Also, I haven't been here in 8 years, and she has been here much more recently, so it is not unreasonable for family members to want to talk to me and catch up, but she cannot just let us have a conversation. I wish I had been an only child!

Anyway, I know I should be grateful for my family, but it is hard. I've always kind of felt like I was alone in the world, even when I was young, and that I had to create my own family. That's probably part of why I was always so eager to be in a serious relationship.

Well, I will stop complaining now. I think I'm going to go to bed and fantasize (in a totally PG way) about the guy I can't have. That should make me feel better. |
 

Thursday, December 25, 2003

I'm mad at all the other people whose blogs I usually read. What's wrong with you people? Are you actually spending that much time bonding with your families? What am I supposed to do with myself? Every single one of my friends is either out of town or at some big family gathering, so when there are no real live human beings I normally read random things online, but now the internet is failing me too.

Tomorrow I have a 14+ hour drive to Kansas with my sister to look forward to. She thought I was joking when I told her we wouldn't be stopping to eat. I wasn't. Maybe there will be some guy at the hotel bar who needs a little "break" from his family while he's in town. Somehow I'm guessing Wichita just won't be that exciting. But it should be nice. I used to go there every year for Christmas, but I haven't been since I was 18, so it will be nice to see everyone. I've seen most of them at assorted other occasions, but not as a group. I'm looking forward to it. Mostly.

And of course I have New Year's Eve to look forward to. I think I'm the only person I know who doesn't find being single on New Year's depressing. Especially considering I think it is depressing to be single every single other day of the year. But New Year's isn't a big deal to me anyway, and being single somehow fills it with more promise. I've actually been feeling very calm about everything since my email rejection. I think it comes from realizing that there is someone out there like him - that gives me hope, and it also tells me not to settle. So, I'm hopeful for the best. And minimally depressed. But hopeful, nonetheless. :) |
 
Merry Christmas! I'm exhausted, but I have always felt a need to stay up until midnight on Christmas Eve, so that I can experience the first moments of Christmas. I do the same thing for my birthday as well. So, anyway, merry Christmas. Now I have to go to sleep so I can get up and go to my parents to open presents and have bagels and lox. That's what happens when your family is really jewish. |
 

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

I miss school already. I'm such a loser. It's really just because I'm sitting at home watching tv alone. Law school has the ability to fill a void in one's life. I think in many ways, that is why a lot of people are there in the first place, whether they recognize it or not. I don't think that is why I went to law school originally, but it has ended up that way. Law has the ability to infuse passion into life when it is otherwise missing. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but I at least don't think it is bad. I love law school, that is the one thing I have to hold onto. Now I just need a little real life love... |
 

Monday, December 22, 2003

This afternoon I met with the professor who I'm doing my independent study with next semester. He wants me to get started on my research now, which I am actually totally excited about. His advice was remarkably helpful: look on the internet, lexis, and westlaw. I don't think I could have figured that out on my own. I'll probably get to work tomorrow. Today I'm still recuperating from my trip. And my disappointment. But tomorrow, all law all the time. Or maybe that will be Wednesday - now there's a Christmas Eve celebration to remember. |
 

Sunday, December 21, 2003

I'm back, and I have lots to say.

The news is bad. He thinks I'm ugly. And stupid. He wishes he had never met me. He thinks I'm pathetic and desperate. Thinking about me makes him nauseous. Basically, he hates me. I may be exaggerating slightly.

I emailed him at 3:07pm on Tuesday. He wrote me back at 5:05pm on Friday. Here's the gist of it:

[Apology for taking so long]

"I am very flattered, but I am actually kinda involved with someone right now."

[Update on what's going on in the office]

[Happy holidays stuff]

"I am sure we will see each other around and we will have a drink then."

At least he had the courtesy to not ignore me. I briefly considered that he might be lying about seeing someone, but I don't think so. Actually, looking back, I bet he started seeing this "someone" during the week when he started acting so weird towards me. That would make sense.

I'm not entirely giving up, although I'm also not going to stalk him or anything. I'm going to email him back in a few days and be generally conversational and friendly. I think building an email rapport with him could be productive. I will also let him know that it's a standing offer, but that I won't mention it again. I can't completely give up, because I really think he's perfect for me. I don't just like certain personality traits or think he's attractive, although those things are true. I just have this overwhelming sense that we would work together. I've been patient so far, and I can continue.

However...if you know anyone who's reasonably cute, and more than reasonably smart and funny, let me know!

I happened to be in Pittsburgh for the weekend visiting my college roommate. Saturday night, she had a big Christmas party. I was so on. And looking fairly hot too (and I never think that). For about 6 hours, I barely thought of him. The cute mailman (!) from Beaver Falls helped. It turned out to be a very fun weekend. I was a little nervous about going because my boyfriend from college, who I dated for 4 1/2 years, was there with the girl he's dating. I've only seen him once since we broke up, and never with another girl. Although it definitely felt weird, it turned out to be fine, partially because the girl was totally nice and friendly. That and the fact that he threw up all over the bathroom and reminded me exactly what I'm not missing.

While I was driving home, I got a call from the 17 (now she's 18) year old girl that my more recent ex had been sleeping with while we were dating. This summer when I stopped talking to him, she and I ended up talking, and getting to be friendly. For a while she called me every single day, but I hadn't heard from her since October. Really I was glad not to hear from her, because talking to her made it harder to move on. I don't really know why she called me today. We talked for a little while and caught up and that was it. It was odd. By the way, the ex is 34.

So, it has been an interesting few days. And now it's time to relax, and not worry about guys or school or anything.

|
 

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Okay, I am officially not writing anything else until the new year unless I have news to share. So for the next few weeks I will be enjoying my break, doing research, shopping, sleeping, travelling, and waiting... |
 

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I emailed him. So soon (hopefully) I will have good or bad news to share. Let's hope it's good! |
 

Monday, December 15, 2003

I got a job offer this morning! I think I'm really happy about it. It's not the sort of elation I would have felt to get an offer in October for a job that I wouldn't have to start until May that would pay me obscene amounts of money. Instead, I am pleasantly satisfied that I am about to accept a job that will start in January to do work I actually want to do. Work that will actually get me in a courtroom relatively soon. Work that will actually help people. Work that I don't have to be ashamed of. So it's been a good start to the week. Let's hope it keeps up this way. |
 

Sunday, December 14, 2003

I have mostly recovered from exams I think. At least I've managed to put them behind me - and without the aid of alcohol, or any other vices. I have to finish an acc check by tomorrow, and then I will have no more official law related responsibilities for a few weeks. However, I am unofficially supposed to get started on my independent study research over break, but that should be fun. I also should finish up the work I have from the professor I work for. Still, no stress really. Yesterday I finally finished reading Actual Innocence, which I had started reading several weeks ago. It helped remind me why I love law school (and the law in general).

Now all I have to worry about is The Plan. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day. I am so impatient to just find out either way. I think everyone who knows me is impatient too. |
 

Friday, December 12, 2003

I think it is time to start considering alternative careers. Maybe it's time to go back to acting... At least then I can blame failure on not having the right look or other things that are not so completely related to my worth as a person. Maybe I was meant to be a secretary all my life - I was always too smart for it, so they really loved me. That's a good feeling. Unlike law school.

The last two days have been the worst two days of law school yet. By far. I've had enough.

Yesterday was the admin law exam. It was mostly fair. The first half was multiple choice, which I hate, but tolerable. The second half was one essay with 12 subparts. That should be a joke, or at least an exaggeration, but unfortunately it's not. Towards the end I was desperately trying to write at least a couple sentences for each part, so as to not actually fail. Luckily, it looked like other people were struggling just as much.

Today made yesterday seem nearly enjoyable. I made myself insane studying for BA, and it didn't help at all. I swear I wrote about imaginary kinds of business associations for the first half of the exam. For the second half I made up duties that I said were breached. It was very, very bad. I have had a pounding headache ever since. Very, very bad.

On top of all this, I still haven't been able to put the "plan" into effect. I have waited over 3 months, and I'm sick of waiting! I don't even know if he actually likes me, but I'm ready to find out. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting for end of semester formalities to be wrapped up. All this anticipation, and I don't even know if it will end well. I haven't seen him in a week...I hope he hasn't forgotten me :(

Hey, to the random people out there who are kind enough to give me advice: should I email him or call him when I'm finally able? Right now email is the plan, because it's less scary, plus he is more likely to write back if the news is bad, so at least I'll know. But with email I will be less certain if he even gets it. If I call him, I would try to call when I know he won't answer and leave some kind of cute message. But he might always answer, and then what? HELP! |
 

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

I am about to lose my mind. Last year studying wasn't so bad because the topics were interesting. This year the situation is a little bit different. I actually like admin law to an extent, but my head is spinning from studying it for too long. Which probably isn't nearly long enough. I get the impression that most people come to law school and are shocked by how much more they have to study than in undergrad, but they actually do study more. I study more than I used to (which was never), but I don't think I have been sufficiently scared or something, because mostly I just watch bad tv when I should be studying.

I am just in denial at the moment about BA. That exam is only 24 hours after admin law (less taking into account the time to take the admin exam), so I can't quite figure out how to allot my time. I have spent most of the last week focusing on BA, but it just seems futile. I will never get it, plus other people completely grasp it. The combination is not good. Here it is two days until the exam, and I don't know the basic vocabulary. What does pro rata mean anyway? Time to find out I guess. |
 

Sunday, December 07, 2003

I love Scott Wolf. A lot. I just had to express my feelings. Moving on.

I don't think I am feeling a sufficient level of panic about exams yet. I only have 3 more days to study, and I am nowhere near ready. And yet, I feel no panic. This is a bad thing. I have gone 4 weeks without caffeine, and I'm afraid I may have to relapse to make it through the next few days. I start to fall asleep every time I open my BA book, so I'm afraid I may have no choice. Maybe I should give up alcohol instead...after two nights ago that might be a good plan. |
 

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I could say I haven't written in over a week because I have been studying so dilligently. That would be a lie. I'm just lazy. But it's been a good week.

I am so happy classes are over. I love looking forward to the next semester. There is always this great sense of hope. I don't even know what I'm taking entirely, but I'm still excited. I really need to hurry up and figure out what I'm taking though. The major problem is that right now I'm signed up for 2 seminars and an independent study to write my journal note. If I was sane I would drop one of the seminars. I'm sure I will. But I don't want to. Plus there is still one class I'm waiting to get into still, and I really have no back-up plan.

I decided to apply for a part time job for next semester, since I will have so much time without the clinic. So I had one interview this past Thursday and I have another one on Tuesday. I really, really hope I get one of them. The stakes are higher now, becaues these are jobs I really want, not ones I'm only applying for because they pay a lot. Hopefully they'll want me.

My last week at work was blissful. Every moment of interaction with him was wonderful. If he doesn't like me, I swear I'm crazy. I so want to date him. He is so smart and funny. Is there anything else a girl can want? Plus, he's cute. The plan is definitely still in effect. If he doesn't want to date me, I will be disappointed, but it has been a thoroughly enjoyable semester because of him, so it still won't have been a complete loss.

I have a studying plan for the next week that I think is ingenious. It involves 4 hour intervals of studying admin law and BA and going Christmas shopping. I figure the balance should make me more productive. I'll start the plan tomorrow, right after brunch with my grandmother, aunt, and cousin...it's a late birthday, girl bonding thing...but then back to studying. |