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Randomness from a 2005 graduate of The Moritz College of Law at The Ohio State University

 

Friday, March 26, 2004

I'm back, and it was so hard to leave. Yesterday morning I got up early to take a walk on the beach before leaving, and it was so beautiful. And finally warm. Even though I missed the good weather, I am really glad I went. Sometimes a girl just needs to run away.

Last night when I got home I was really tired, and I went to bed around 10pm. However, I just kept lying there and thinking and the last time I looked at the clock it was after 1:30am. I don't know what the problem was. First I just was randomly thinking about things, not worrying or anything, but then when I realized how long I had been "thinking," it made me start worrying. There were three major things on my mind.

First, I kept worrying about all sorts of little random things related to school. Like how to transfer the bank account for the student organization I am president of to the new board. And how I need to first get a new board. Then I started to think about the writing assignment for evidence and that I never requested an exam number, which we were supposed to do by last Friday. Not good. And like a million other things along those lines...

Second, I am really upset about not getting on a moot court team. More than I have admitted. And I haven't been able to really talk about it with anyone either. All that stuff they said about if you do well in app ad and take the competition seriously you will get on a team was a bunch of lies. I did all that, but it didn't count for anything. This is seriously what I came to law school for. Everything else that has been disappointing was less bitter because I could think, well at least I can still do moot court. Of course it will be okay, and soon this won't matter that much, but it really feels like it matters now.

Third, dating. One of my friends said something the other day about how I don't need to be set up as much as one of her other friends because I don't need a man. My first thought was "Yes, I do." But then I thought about it more (mostly very late last night), and I realized I don't even want a man. After 10 years of being in 3 serious relationships with no breaks (but occasional diversions), I emerged much worse than I started. I am terrified to ever care about someone again because I clearly have no sense of perception about what is real. I thought that those three men loved me and, depending on the man, I was either sadly naive or completely wrong and intentionally deceived. Even last fall when I was genuinely interested in dating Brandon, but still very scared of actually doing so, I was obviously very, very mistaken about all of his actions towards me, since apparently three months of flirting was all in my imagination. So, I have no place dating. And recognizing that is a good thing, because it means I don't even have to distract myself thinking about it. For a while I have been trying very hard to just focus on school, but I have questioned whether that was healthy or not. For me, I think it is probably the healthiest thing by far.

After all that thinking, mostly I am tired. And now I have to go get my hair cut. So I'm tired, and a little scared. |
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